Been Through More Than You Were Deserving Of

It’s a rainy day here and I’m on my lunch sitting in my car. I began thinking about a conversation that I was having with one of my clients and my sister. She is suffering from depression, and she told the team that no one just wakes up and says they want to kill themselves. She said that most people get to that point because they tried everything they knew to do, and nothing has worked. They’re tired. And there’s no use in talking to people because the real thought on their mind is "I want to die" and no one wants to hear that, so we meet them with “I’m good” instead. That blew my mind. And my sister asked me if I never thought of that as if it was so evident as she also suffers from depression and anxiety. And I told her yeaaa, but when you hear it, for some reason it hits differently. At a point where I thought about a world that would be better off without me, I just was tired of feeling. It felt too much to feel. It felt too hard to make it to the next day and as much as I felt like I was fighting, the more I just felt tired. And that is the truth. But I felt those feelings no matter how hard or how overwhelming they were. Some people can’t. Some people spend so much time trying to figure out what to do to not have those thoughts or not feel those feelings. A lot of people spend so much of their energy hoping that they could just want to do something, that they could figure out what is wrong with them. Why can’t I just not feel what I am feeling and be like other people. Be happy. Be free. We’re scared to feel those feelings because when things get hard and overwhelming, it feels better to just pull out than to deal with it and I know that feeling oh so well but you’ve tried everything else and you have nothing else to lose. What if, on the other side of you allowing yourself to just be, that you’ll begin to realize that it was okay. That I can do this. It felt like hell but things can turn around after all. That when the sun sets, it must come up again and so nothing is permanent. Things can change. Things will change. When it rains and it pours, and it could go on and on and even flood this motherfucker out but eventually, eventually, the sun comes out again. If you need to hear this out there, I know it’s hard. I know right now it’s hard to see that things can change. That things will get better. I know it gets overwhelming at times. You can’t eat, your thoughts won’t leave you the fuck alone, you can’t get any sleep or get shit done. Sometimes getting out of bed just feels like the most. You have been through more than you were ever deserving of. No one even notices that you’re hurting and you’ve tried reaching out but the truth seems unfair to share. You just are tired of feeling what you are feeling and as cliché as it may sound, I get it. I understand. I see you. I hear you. But if you could give me 1% everyday, feel what you’re feeling, acknowledge your thoughts, address your emotions, you’ll find as time goes on, you’re giving a little more percentage and you’re making a little more progress to realizing that you were way stronger than you thought. That you were equipped to bear more than you ever imagined. Our God makes no mistakes and it’s true, he’ll never give us more than we can bear and I just need you to believe that, to feel that because on the other side of everything you are feeling right now, is your breakthrough. With success, comes great loss and pain and sometimes that even means losing ourselves to find us again. You can do this. Focus your energy into something different this time. You have tried everything you knew to do but try “Feel, acknowledge, address”. I’m with you. If you need to reach out, just want to vent, talk, whatever, you can reach me on my IG @iamlatricerainer or you can comment on this blog below! 

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